Sunday, July 17, 2011


the weekend has been very relaxed.
almost normal.

except that i have ignored the daily chores to just be with the kids.
chloe and i played games,
henri and i made some super secret spy items,
martha and i saw harry potter and the deathly hallows.

i walk through our house and it all looks the same, normal.

there is a disconnect,
it all looks the same, yet nothing feels the same.

i feel as if i am suspended.
thoughts of appointments creep up.

i wonder
how chloe's body will respond to treatment.
how we will hold ourselves together.
if martha and henri will sense our fear.
if we can continue to be present in each moment.

there are so many bright spots.

we have received many beautiful heartfelt cards and e-mails.
thank you for joining us on this journey.

yesterday, after our regular mail arrived, a mail truck pulled up.
i went to the door, a mail carrier introduced himself and explained that his regular route is downtown. someone had handed him a handmade card (in a handmade envelope). since he didn't want it to go through the machine, he hand cancelled it and personally delivered it (may we all do our jobs with such respect and care).

another time i passed by the front door and something caught my eye. two people had stopped by, one dropped off some (much needed) homemade bread and another dropped off a beautifully written card with some gift cards inside. i was so touched, as i have been touched my the many notes and tokens of love that have not been mentioned here.

and yet,
there is a disconnect.
a disconnect between the anxiety in the pit of my stomach
and the way my heart is filled with the love and encouragement of so many.
a disconnect between chloe's vibrancy
and the cancer hidden inside her that we aim to fight.

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