Sunday, November 20, 2011

not quite there

after a 3-week break,
chloe had
another round of chemo
on monday.

i was hoping to get a picture of
what is left.

we believed that
monday's treatment
was the
second-to-the-last
treatment.

then what?
how does this all
get wrapped up?

many comment on how exciting it must be,
a great christmas present.
i feel uncomfortable
contradicting that sentiment,
as if i am somehow
wallowing in my own hard times.
but it does not feel like a gift,
it makes me cry every time i think about it.

i am trying to find words to explain it.
those words are fleeting,
mostly just feelings that i grasp for a moment.


this has been our life
for the last 6 months
(as someone pointed out,
one-eighth of chloe's very existence).


while i certainly do not want it to continue,
it is a bit scary,
thinking of what we will do
when it is over.

how will we define our new schedule?
what will i do on my days off?
what did i used to do for fun?
do i remember how to cook?

but even more daunting,
who will watch over my kid?
who will make all the decisions
and make sure she is really okay?

i know that
it is not up to me.
i know that
God is greater than
all of this.
i need to trust
and believe.


yet it is still
a major shift
to consider
moving out of
the protective circle
the very tight structure
created for us by
the doctors and nurses.

i got the answer to my question,
2 more treatments left.
the end that we thought
would come at christmas
is closer to february.

what a disappointment,
and what ambivalence.
i struggle with the end
yet i do want it to come.

for unknown reasons,
this has been
the hardest time
for kip and for me.

we are tired,
weary and stressed.
we see how
the illness and the treatment
affect chloe
every day.

chloe has lost most of her hair now.
she is experiencing neuropathy
(the nerves in her extremities
are slowed by the chemo).
she walks a bit more slowly,
her steps are heavier
and she trips more.

with 3 weeks
between treatments,
we see her start to
get some energy back.
it feels cruel
to allow another
round of chemo.

monday's particular cocktail
was hard on chloe.
she felt sick and very tired.
on wednesday 
she napped for 3 hours
and asked to go to bed
after being up for a short time.

we know february
will come.
we are thankful that
the side effects
are temporary.
we're just not quite there.

2 comments:

Tami T said...

Christa and Kip- I am sorry to learn about Chloe. I happened to see a post on Jorie's Facebook that linked me to your blog. I will be praying for you and her. It's such a hard road. Steve and I have had to fight the chemo fight with our 4 year old Logan. He has a spinal cord tumor. He had a 15 month sequence of chemo and we are now monitoring with MRI's. He had to take vincristine as one of his chemo meds. It came with some neuropathy issues- His docs, knowing this was likely, had him fitted for braces that kept his feet in the right position- it may be something to ask your docs about.

Tami Snyder Treder

Oh, and have that party in February- we didn't because we ended near Christmas and time and money got away from us. I regret that

Amy Devanney said...

Christa,
I'm praying for you and your whole family. I love looking at Chloe's picture on your blog. She is just radiantly beautiful.
Amy Devanney